My Musical Life

What a boring title. Come on Haze, sort it out! Interest your readers!

Then again, this is an honesty blog, right? Where I'm totally open, blunt and straightforward? So stuff it! I'll title it as I wish, and continue as I mean to.

Go on, I hear you plead!

It is coming to my attention more and more that our generation is one that focuses on musical judgement, taste and the ways in which we individually use music in different ways. I, for one, am horrendously guilty of judging 'popular' music and using it for 'background' music, much to my utter disappointment and I even shudder at the thought that I don't ENJOY a vast majority of music for what it is. I can be that terrible cynic of the latest club anthem because it's thumpy and generic and generally irritating to hear every other hour of the day. But I can often stop and appreciate its value as a place in musical history or development. It's still probably a load of codswallop in the grand scheme of things though. Still, if someone were to ask me what my favourite band was, I'd probably answer with the lamest of retorts: "I'm not really sure...probably The Feeling... or McFly" and be met with a backlash of judgement, terror and animosity. I used to be one of those cretins who used to say "ohh I like ALL MUSIC" which just makes me a feel a little bit ill looking back. I once heard someone say (it was probably on New Girl actually) that to say you love everything is to truly not love anything at all. If this is the case, then my favourite genre of music is most definitely Classical. Before I register that you have all officially switched off, changed tab or browser and have dismissed this rather opinion-laden ramble, please hear me out. To give a true reading of this blog some justice, tune in to 100-102 fm on a radio, if you can, and leave it on for as long as it may take you to read and digest this blog. Maybe get a cup of tea and a biscuit, I can feel it might be a long one. Make it a custard cream if you can. Oh and if it's the news bit or an advert break, just get back on with whatever you were distracted by before you stumbled across or clicked on this. Then come back!! (Please)

Thanks for that by the way, if you're genuinely reading this out of curiosity. Back on with the point of the blog!

This weekend I went home to sing for a rehearsal weekend with my Choir, (link to our fabby website which is super-swish and you can spot me in the pictures and that) who are exceptional in many ways. Firstly, I feel extremely lucky and privileged to even have been considered to be a part of such a wonderful project. Some of you might know that I've been a keen (it's all about enthusiasm... right?) singer from an early age, but by no means a 'proper' one- and certainly not a distinguished or even qualified one. Encouraged by instrumental lessons from the age of nine, music became a crucial interest for me and it's fair to say that the vast majority of my friends throughout school, and even now, are from ensembles and departments that exalted the virtues of musical involvement.

So, a vague re-cap of my 'musical life' as I like to call it, might lead me to begin with a list. Now, I love a good list. Here we go:

9 years old; started Clarinet lessons and sang in the junior school 'choir' as part of the Millennium opening of the Gala Theatre in Durham

11 years old; Secondary school education began. Joined 'girls choir/junior choir' in the second week of Year 7. NEVER. LOOKED. BACK. Our school's music department was notoriously known for digging its claws in and never letting you go. Still, I have no regrets about this.

12/13 years old: Took part in the school's production of Annie Jr. and was one of the principle orphans. Got to know one of my best friends in this production as she was Annie and I love her dearly.

Lets leave the ages alone and talk in more general terms, shall we?

Throughout secondary school I was involved in musical trips, ensembles and lessons which just kept proving to me that I enjoyed the involvement that music brought to myself as an individual and I was always encouraged to keep this up. I began playing the piano and thoroughly enjoyed learning how pieces of music themselves are pieced together and how "moments" occur. More on this later! Continuing with playing the clarinet, I joined the District Wind Band, progressed to Regional level and finished up at County Wind Band by Sixth Form time. I also joined a county-wide Clarinet choir called "Clarinetix" and I played one of two bass clarinets as part of that. As always, school music-department involvement continued and I joined the Senior Choir and the Chamber choir, performing at the Sage Gateshead as part of the Catholic Partnership concerts and being in my absolute element, thrice. Marvellous.

Most recently, I joined the Durham County Youth Choir in September 2010 because a few of my friends said it was great and I thought I'd give it a go after seeing them at the joint Sage concert for the Durham Music Service Showcase in the summer of the same year. I do not regret auditioning for DCYC one jot. It was one of the best things I was ever pressured into doing. Unbeknownst to me, a few of the people from DCYC had been selected to go down to London and begin a new choir, to soon work as part of the Gabrielli Young Singers Scheme with Paul McCreesh. In December, Hilary (the conductor of DCYC) invited me to go along with the oldest members of the choir to a new choir that was forming, and it was mind-blowing. It was almost certainly terrifying but thrilling all the same to be thrown in at the deep end, sight-reading Britten's "Rejoice in the Lamb" and three choruses from Handel's "Solomon". Still, I had been put forward to be in this choir because I had been identified as a quick sight-reader/singer and this certainly proved it. Prior to this rehearsal weekend, after being in DCYC for two weeks, I was asked to sight-sing a concert and managed remarkably well to do it. Phew! After a weekend of rehearsal with this new choir, we performed the pieces, I lost a cardigan (let's not go there, it's still a sore point, ok?) and made friends I would come to absolutely adore and cherish for many moments to come.

Here began my journey with John Forsyth and the North East Youth Chorale.

As previously mentioned, I had performed at the Sage with the Hexham and Newcastle Catholic Partnership scheme with school and this is where I first encountered John. I doubt he remembers me personally, but I will always remember him from that. He knows me by name now though ;) We sang the first movement of John Rutter's "Magnificat" and he sat at the front on his legendary, squeaky stool, in our school hall in front of numerous, terrified pupils who were mainly forced to be part of the choir and he belted out every part in his classic way, scaring us all a little bit. Needless to say, the performance was awesome and I love that piece very dearly as a result of that experience.

Life suddenly took a turn towards the extraordinary after I joined NEYC. If you want a less condensed version of the summer just passed's events than the one I'm going to give here (including non-musical activities) I'm going to refer you to THIS BLOG POST RIGHT HERE, which you can read at your leisure.

Summer happened like this: I SANG AT THE ROYAL ALBERT HALL AND RECORDED A CD WITH MY CHOIR AND LOADS OF OTHER, PROFESSIONAL CHOIRS AND SINGERS.

IT WAS AWESOME.

The social side of it was fabulous, as was the insight into the hard graft and sheer workload that being in that side of the industry requires. Nonetheless, it was amazing.

So, back to my current state of affairs, yes?

This weekend, John really struck a chord in me (hahaha music pun, waahoo) when he was talking about living for moments. I live each day for moments, but musical moments are just somehow, supremely more precious. How often do you listen to the average, indie, metal or pop song and think "WOW!"? Seriously, do you ever? I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that I do that, probably at all. There have been times, of course, when I've thought "this song is pretty epic, cool, niiiiice riff" or other rather vacuous things. For me, there is nothing quite like listening to a cheeky suspension or augmented fifth or something equally as nerdy in a Whitare or Brahms piece that literally makes every fibre of your being just FEEL. I'm not quite sure what or how it makes me feel, but it definitely puts me in my place. The vast majority of the music we sing with NEYC revolves around classical, choral works which usually involve Masses, Requiems or songs which exalt and glorify God and sing His praises. That in itself excites me greatly in a general sense, but when the music itself is just so exquisitely enjoyable and brilliant, it makes me beam from ear to ear to praise God to such beautiful music, and sung excellently might I add. Some of our choir are relatively agnostic or atheists, but they all partake in singing and are convincing in all manners when they sing the pieces, which I find incredibly interesting and a little bit baffling all the same. When I experience a "moment" in the music we sing, or even just when listening to Classic FM (which excites me greatly, because I'm such a nerd I recognise a great deal of 'things'- motifs, pieces I've played and even composers- and revel in that sometimes) I can't help but feel extremely small but somehow worthy. It's difficult to explain I suppose, but at the end of the day, I love it.

You should too.

Just a recommendation.

Give it some thought.

Tatty bye,

Haze

It's a brand new year...

... no new posts since JULY.

I am a bad blogger.

Hey, my posts used to be such quality. Remember when I got locked in the toilet? When I went to see Mika? When I spent brilliant days with Fran and my sister and talked about my Mother and Father and their hilarious personalities for posts and posts and posts?

Well... I went to Uni, and life has just blown me away. Obviously not literally, I'm still sitting right here, on the same laptop, just in a different city. That's right, I finally moved away from home! I hope that doesn't sound like "OMG I FINALLY LEFT HOME WEEEEEEEEEEW I'M PROPA BUZZIN' TO BE ON ME OWN LYK NOO MORE PARENTS YOU CAN'T TELL ME NOT TO BUY AND EAT POTATO SMILEYS AND JAMMIE DODGERS WHEEEE LET'S GAN MENTAL FRESHAAAAS".

Not at all.

The reality of it all is that I blast musical soundtracks from my room in the poshest halls on campus, jam on my ukulele a fair bit and paint my nails at least once a week with a new pattern/theme to make sure I still allow myself to have an artistic outlet. I also dyed the underneath of my hair bright blue, but now it's purple. News is news, whether 5 and a half months late... right?

I just got back from my food shop and necessary walk to Aldi and I was struck by how light I felt as I walked there. The sun was almost setting and Mumford & Sons "Sigh No More" was lightly propelling me along in my ears, protected from the wind by my cat hat.

I was totally at ease with just being. Bounding along with a considerable spring in my step, I must have looked agreeably quite mental but that didn't matter to me in that moment, nor does it really now.

I smiled at everyone who cycled or walked past and I felt a little bit giddy with my freedom and just generally really happy outlook. Just as elated on the walk back just several pounds more to carry weighing my shoulders down and causing my HUGE arm muscles to ache and it made me think of my Outward Bound expeditions.

I wasn't wearing anything special to make me feel chipper and good about myself. I was completely alone, all wrapped up with my rucksack on my back. I wasn't running, just plodding with the intention of going to Aldi and returning to my house. I wasn't even wearing make up.

Just a smile.

(well, I was wearing lots of clothes, it was flipping chilly today folks!!)

I hope my smile put a spring in someone else's step today, or any day. Even just another smile back is enough to make my grin widen and feel warm inside.

Honestly.

It was lovely to talk to you again, I have missed this a whole bunch.

Tatty bye,

Haze

My outlook on life

I sometimes get the feeling that people see me as an outwardly happy person and that in itself makes me physically display happiness often.

The truth is, I'm not. This isn't a "wah wah" post, I promise, but I think it's very true to say that even the most "bubbly" and even ostentatious people you will meet in your life are not happy constantly. I am one of those people who does really look on the bright side of life though, however hard it may be. Of course I have times where I can wallow, argue, moan and bemoan over minute details and most definitely cry my sorry little heart out... but moments like that are fleeting for me.

Sometimes I find it hard to define what keeps me going. Like actually, what on earth keeps me awake, keeps me quite literally alive and doing. Biologically there are explanations, yes, but that's a little bit tedious and is the same for probably everyone I know. Yet there is something startling in how a mindset can transform how others perceive you and how you can in fact perceive yourself.

I'm a great believer in confidence and showing it, but in small doses. Like being 'brave' enough to raise your hand at school or step forward to help a friend, or even a stranger, who has fallen or needs directions. I don't believe that boisterous confidence will get you anywhere that will matter in the long run. Attention seeking confidence or "loudmouth" confidence as I sometimes call it is just that, loud and often unnecessary, like openly talking about how much you had to drink last weekend and how much it cost you or stealing someone's spotlight and disregarding other people's roles in a team effort. It often comes across as bragging and you certainly don't look any better when all is said and done. What if someone remembers you just for that? How might that impact your own self-made impression? You are who you are in every moment of your life, whether dark or exceedingly bright and every impression counts. I wholeheartedly agree that in this life you have to be confident, but I find the lines of bravery and confidence are incredibly blurred and it can be all too easy to stray away into the grey areas of these ideas. I sometimes think of myself as a brave person because I 'grin and bear' a lot of things. Yet I find myself wondering if these 'brave' things I have overcome or moved on from have made me confident or not.

In the past few months I have decided to take many positive steps in my life and to embrace new things rather than sit any worry away possibilities. I am trying to maintain contact with people who I might never see again because I've left school and Sixth Form, but there will inevitably be people who I will leave behind through no fault of mine or theirs, it will happen. I want to embrace friendships, relationships, food, exercise, outings, reading, writing, singing, playing, walking and many other activities in my lifetime, let alone just this summer.

One of the main sort of 'principles' I live my life by is "Go Out And Live Life To The Full". When I was in Year 9 we had a school mission and this was the title of the whole week, centred around praise and worship but mainly realising that we all should actually "go out and life life to the full" and it struck a definite chord within me. The postcard from that week is right next to my bed with a lovely logo and it's right in my eye-line when I wake up every morning. I have a purple, rubber wristband that I sometimes wear to remind me that I have a wonderful life and everything I need is ahead of me and it will be full.

I am happy with how I look. I may flick my fringe and complain about my flushing, flaking, flipping annoyingly scarred skin but it's mine and it makes me... me. I have a figure which I have recently decided to love, to embrace and to work. It won't last forever, just like me, but I have the time now to make an impact however small it may be, if a smile or a cheeky little dance can cheer someone else up then I want to be that person. I don't want to drag any one down, I only want to build people up. If you surround yourself with people who, for one, build you up, you can do great things by building them up. They will give you strength to be who you are and who you want to be. I aim to be that person who can be relied upon to be happy, to share a smile, to be a shoulder to cry on, to be organised (sometimes) and to be willing to share as much love as I can. I can't say I am not guilty of casting people out of my life because I have done that but I know that I have grown from the experiences that have hurt and I will continue to do so by moving on. I am kind to strangers I meet who I may never see again because I hope to have the slightest positive impact in their lives. We meet so many people, see so many faces and we may never see them again and so I strive to make those flashes interesting by not shying away from helping or being cheerful in the face of a challenge. I'm not a violent person and yes, I can engage in conversations which can joke around such subjects, but the idea of hitting someone with force and inflicting voluntary pain is not something which I can condone in my head and in my heart.

Your sadness will not last as long as your happiness can.

I was going to end this post with the prayer that was written by the school for the Mission but I'll leave you with just this line instead to make of it what you will:

"Inspire us to use our talents wisely... so that we may go out and live life to the full as you intended."

Tatty bye,

Haze

Decision making and rain

I have decided that if you sit and wait for an "opportune moment", it's not going to happen. Not how you really wanted it to anyway. A moment is what you make it and then make of it.

Sometimes you just have to make the decision, make it fast and live it out.

I don't want to have to wait to make decisions any more. If I think it's right, I'm going to do it. If I know it's wrong, I am able to hold myself back.

In other news, we've had a big rain-flash-storm and it was exciting. I was sitting on my bed and just turned around to the window and thrust my arms in the air like "FLIPPING YES!! RAAAAIIINNN!!!"

I am so thirsty right now. I am finding myself becoming thirsty really rapidly these days and not so hungry as much. Oh well, going to go and eat some chocolate caramel bunnies and revise my socks off for these mocks (off).

Tatty bye,

Haze

Radio and music

I'm a big fan of the radio.

More on this later.

Now, like a lot of teenagers, I want to listen to "current" music and be in the know blah blah blah but I also feel like I fit a small part of the indie demographic that listen to vintage classics and invest time in seeking new music from all corners of... well the music-sphere. I wish I could have all the time and money in the world to totally immerse myself in wonderful new and old music, world music, cultural music, classical music, dubstep, film overtures... It's inspiring.

On Friday, Saturday and Sunday of this weekend I have been singing as part of NEYC (North East Youth Chorale) and our conductor, John Forsyth, is an incredibly passionate and inspirational (slightly intimidating but altogether lovely) person and was talking about how people are so unaware of awesome choral music and the wonders of lost music. It really hit me because I absolutely love a choral piece that strikes a note in you and you just think "yes, this has blown me away". For me, I have a lot of moments when listening to a variety of songs that are like that and I'm sure that lots of people everywhere have that too. It's just right, right? Of course pop music is pop music and classical music is classical music, that's just how it is, but there are so many people who exclude them from their lives and that really upsets me. Pop music is not just for the "commoners" or children or teenagers who need something to dance to or quote lyrics from on Facebook and classical music is not just for stuffy old people and choir conductors. Music is universal and I do not know of a single person who would be able to envisage a life without it. Mainly because I surround myself with musical people who, like me, have a varied musical catalogue and enjoy sharing their opinions and tastes.

My day yesterday was actually great. I felt so comfortable and happy about everything. We, as a choir, sang at a wedding. Getting the bus to and from Middlesbrough was absolutely brilliant, singing all sorts! Primary school songs...hymns... the classic rendition of the Hallelujah chorus because we're all polished singers who know it incredibly well... and reach the bit where it goes crazy with lots of different rhythms and we forgot the really words and gave up. It was actually hilarious and I couldn't stop smiling! We then went back to our little rehearsal hall and practised from 3-6 and it totally wore me out. Phew.

This morning I listened back to Morrissey's interview with Dermot O'Leary on the BBC Radio 2 i-player and their interaction was actually brilliant. I love them both a huge amount. Dermot's extreme enthusiasm for old and new music is truly infectious, bringing me onto why I love the radio.

Those moments when a song comes on that you actually love, so you can just turn it up, shout out the words and do a little boogie. Or when a new song comes on and you just think "Wow!" and when presenters are just hilarious (Alan Carr and Melanie Sykes, Sarah Cox, Gregg James, Nick Grimshaw... Scott Mills) they make the links just quality. I love how many FM channels there are, how there are specific programmes and stations that play specific genres of music and then the mainstream ones have playlists but then they sometimes play whatever the hell they want. There's also the not so musical channels like Radio 4 that broadcast insanely interesting (sometimes) debates and comedy and all sorts, like Thought for the Day and other brilliant, BBC things.

This also comes about on the day when Spotify has changed its stupid rules so that you can now only listen to a song 5 times on its "free" settings... HOW INSANELY LAME. Seriously. Not happy. That's where I discover new music... and of course I feel guilty for not buying things...but WAAHH I'M LAMENTING THE LOSS OF MY BACK CATALOGUES OF THINGS.

So, with this sudden loss I've had to revert back to being a total radio whore again and hopping the channels for those golden moments of musicality. This is what my life has become.

In a way I'm really sad that I can't be so devoted to new or old but nonetheless vibrant and exciting music as I want to be... but I can always try and I probably always will.

Here's to enjoying music more.

Tatty bye,

Haze

All is well

I'm finally better.

I'm happy with everything in my life.

I'm thankful for everything that is going how I would like it to.

That and Merlin is on BBC i-Player from the beginning again.

I have two weeks to watch that/do all of my work set for the holidays...

I shall let you know about my week ahead when it has been, dearest blog, I may have exciting tales to recount here, you never know!

Tatty bye,

Haze

Well, how about that, ey?

I just switched on my old phone because I remembered it was there, and it is still full of texts and pictures and conversations from years gone by. Well, just last year and 3 years previous to that, but it's a big chunk of my developing years and it's full of stuff that I probably won't remember unless I look back at it every now and again. Anyway, I might use it for OBU this summer because it's all battered anyway and if I swap SIM cards it'll work fine.

I'm sorry if this has been short or boring or not as panda coffee as my other, past posts, but I don't have any hilarious stories to tell at the moment. I spend a lot of my time blogging little things on tumblr and as a result I rarely have things to talk about on here. I don't have a lot of "spare" time inbetween working and keeping in touch with people these days, and the portions of time I used to have to spend crafting and writing a stream-of-consciousness blog post are used to now do work and read more and learn about the little things.

I will not abandon this blog. When my life gets kick-started after my exams, I will be doing things like dyeing my hair and making videos and writing and reading and making clothes, all being well, and those things need to be documented, so hold tight!

Tatty bye,

Haze