I've been really ill these past few weeks, since my last blog actually, I haven't recovered. I've tried a lot of things, including pure rest, interspersed rest, Lord of the Rings, spaghetti hoops, banana custard, going back to school, not singing, singing, reading, fainting, chick flicks, owls, tumblr, avoiding poo-heads on facebook, Josh Groban, Il Divo, translating spanish lyrics, The Smiths... and it hasn't worked.
The last thing I've tried was this "Manuka" honey, which tastes like honey which has been spread on a primary school crash mat and then been scraped off, put into a jar, and the lobbed on a spoon and shoved in my mouth. Sounds tasty right?
But why am I scared?
I'm terrified that I'll push myself over the edge. I just want to do well so hard, so much, that it's beginning to really startle me. I'm always tired, always worn out, on the brink of a cold, catching something, feeling a tickle in my throat, singing about something, laughing with Rachel about things that other people don't understand...
To top it all off, I'm just worried that if I don't take this time off here to get better, here and now, I will never be better. I will always be ill. It will get worse. I'll never catch up on all of this work and my A-levels will crash and I won't have anything to aim towards.
So, as of next week, I'm logging out of facebook (deactivating) and logging out of *whispers* tumblr. I'm planning my nights so I can do all of this work, and an exercise routine because I feel like my immune system is screaming DO SOMETHING YOU LAZY IDIOT.
I'm going to dedicate myself to music, work, creativity and reading. I'm going to think more, dream less about stairs (oh my gosh, massive freak out, I am petrified of stairs), be nicer to people, and make better lists.
Also, I'm going to try my hardest not to shank the living daylights outta you, because I'm moving on, and that is the best thing in the world for me.
Ignorance isn't bliss, familiarity still enters contempt.
Catch you lot on the flipside when I'm better, ok?
In the meantime, I promise to try to stop worrying about being so lonely and devoid of stuff, I'm surrounded by utterly gorgeous and generous friends and family who have been very supportive. I do feel very safe, I'm just a massive worrier.
Tatty bye,
Haze
