There are pictures I should have taken, songs I should be singing, writing I should be crafting, dresses I should be wearing, friends I should be talking to... and I need to start making good decisions again.
I don't know how to explain just how sad this makes me feel. In one way, I'm sad because I want to be out there, and I can't be. Well, I could be, but I'd just be taking another step towards failing my A-levels, one of the last of those steps being choosing to write a blog as a little break from writing numerous essays. Oh, that doesn't make sense because it's more typing, so more finger/brain work and not a break at all.
That's just how I roll. I either reward myself when I shouldn't, or work until I am completely worn out, dry and useless.
It's been a strange two months. I had a lot of time off school, and I'm still making up for that. I watched the entire season of Firefly and am reaching the point of utter heartbreak that it got stopped. I visited my friend Fran's church twice and had a great time at both events.
I found out that the reason I felt so awful (last post) was because I most likely had swine flu. JOY OF JOYS!!!!
I am feeling happy though. Despite being mainly disappointed and not really SAD about a lot of things (like the sunshine which is currently unavailable to me) I am writing words and stringing thoughts together. Yesterday, my Mum and I popped to T.K.Maxx to browse dresses for events in the near future which need purchasing, and I ended up getting a Shakespeare Red-Nose-Day shirt, a floral skirt, a cropped little lacy/floral vest thing and a Comic Relief tote bag, which I aim to use for school, my other school bags need washing out. My rucksack has a disturbing amount of clutter/dust/smushed chocolate raisins lurking in the bottom of it...
So, those clothes are making me feel like I can dress up better and feel ... better. I go through this phase really rather a lot. Buy something new, start using it, start to feel more confident, I can be this change, I can stick with this, I will be out-going and loveable.
I feel so awfully guilty for neglecting this outlet. It really is good for me, to babble on, and hearing the children outside enjoying the sunshine just made me think that I should at least try to let something out here, even if only Liz, Mum and a few other people may stumble upon this, after months of barren blog space.
I will take those pictures, I will sing those songs, change that noun phrase, wear that dress with that lipstick I found, talk to that person who is fascinating more often.
Tatty bye,
Haze
