My outlook on life

I sometimes get the feeling that people see me as an outwardly happy person and that in itself makes me physically display happiness often.

The truth is, I'm not. This isn't a "wah wah" post, I promise, but I think it's very true to say that even the most "bubbly" and even ostentatious people you will meet in your life are not happy constantly. I am one of those people who does really look on the bright side of life though, however hard it may be. Of course I have times where I can wallow, argue, moan and bemoan over minute details and most definitely cry my sorry little heart out... but moments like that are fleeting for me.

Sometimes I find it hard to define what keeps me going. Like actually, what on earth keeps me awake, keeps me quite literally alive and doing. Biologically there are explanations, yes, but that's a little bit tedious and is the same for probably everyone I know. Yet there is something startling in how a mindset can transform how others perceive you and how you can in fact perceive yourself.

I'm a great believer in confidence and showing it, but in small doses. Like being 'brave' enough to raise your hand at school or step forward to help a friend, or even a stranger, who has fallen or needs directions. I don't believe that boisterous confidence will get you anywhere that will matter in the long run. Attention seeking confidence or "loudmouth" confidence as I sometimes call it is just that, loud and often unnecessary, like openly talking about how much you had to drink last weekend and how much it cost you or stealing someone's spotlight and disregarding other people's roles in a team effort. It often comes across as bragging and you certainly don't look any better when all is said and done. What if someone remembers you just for that? How might that impact your own self-made impression? You are who you are in every moment of your life, whether dark or exceedingly bright and every impression counts. I wholeheartedly agree that in this life you have to be confident, but I find the lines of bravery and confidence are incredibly blurred and it can be all too easy to stray away into the grey areas of these ideas. I sometimes think of myself as a brave person because I 'grin and bear' a lot of things. Yet I find myself wondering if these 'brave' things I have overcome or moved on from have made me confident or not.

In the past few months I have decided to take many positive steps in my life and to embrace new things rather than sit any worry away possibilities. I am trying to maintain contact with people who I might never see again because I've left school and Sixth Form, but there will inevitably be people who I will leave behind through no fault of mine or theirs, it will happen. I want to embrace friendships, relationships, food, exercise, outings, reading, writing, singing, playing, walking and many other activities in my lifetime, let alone just this summer.

One of the main sort of 'principles' I live my life by is "Go Out And Live Life To The Full". When I was in Year 9 we had a school mission and this was the title of the whole week, centred around praise and worship but mainly realising that we all should actually "go out and life life to the full" and it struck a definite chord within me. The postcard from that week is right next to my bed with a lovely logo and it's right in my eye-line when I wake up every morning. I have a purple, rubber wristband that I sometimes wear to remind me that I have a wonderful life and everything I need is ahead of me and it will be full.

I am happy with how I look. I may flick my fringe and complain about my flushing, flaking, flipping annoyingly scarred skin but it's mine and it makes me... me. I have a figure which I have recently decided to love, to embrace and to work. It won't last forever, just like me, but I have the time now to make an impact however small it may be, if a smile or a cheeky little dance can cheer someone else up then I want to be that person. I don't want to drag any one down, I only want to build people up. If you surround yourself with people who, for one, build you up, you can do great things by building them up. They will give you strength to be who you are and who you want to be. I aim to be that person who can be relied upon to be happy, to share a smile, to be a shoulder to cry on, to be organised (sometimes) and to be willing to share as much love as I can. I can't say I am not guilty of casting people out of my life because I have done that but I know that I have grown from the experiences that have hurt and I will continue to do so by moving on. I am kind to strangers I meet who I may never see again because I hope to have the slightest positive impact in their lives. We meet so many people, see so many faces and we may never see them again and so I strive to make those flashes interesting by not shying away from helping or being cheerful in the face of a challenge. I'm not a violent person and yes, I can engage in conversations which can joke around such subjects, but the idea of hitting someone with force and inflicting voluntary pain is not something which I can condone in my head and in my heart.

Your sadness will not last as long as your happiness can.

I was going to end this post with the prayer that was written by the school for the Mission but I'll leave you with just this line instead to make of it what you will:

"Inspire us to use our talents wisely... so that we may go out and live life to the full as you intended."

Tatty bye,

Haze

Decision making and rain

I have decided that if you sit and wait for an "opportune moment", it's not going to happen. Not how you really wanted it to anyway. A moment is what you make it and then make of it.

Sometimes you just have to make the decision, make it fast and live it out.

I don't want to have to wait to make decisions any more. If I think it's right, I'm going to do it. If I know it's wrong, I am able to hold myself back.

In other news, we've had a big rain-flash-storm and it was exciting. I was sitting on my bed and just turned around to the window and thrust my arms in the air like "FLIPPING YES!! RAAAAIIINNN!!!"

I am so thirsty right now. I am finding myself becoming thirsty really rapidly these days and not so hungry as much. Oh well, going to go and eat some chocolate caramel bunnies and revise my socks off for these mocks (off).

Tatty bye,

Haze

Radio and music

I'm a big fan of the radio.

More on this later.

Now, like a lot of teenagers, I want to listen to "current" music and be in the know blah blah blah but I also feel like I fit a small part of the indie demographic that listen to vintage classics and invest time in seeking new music from all corners of... well the music-sphere. I wish I could have all the time and money in the world to totally immerse myself in wonderful new and old music, world music, cultural music, classical music, dubstep, film overtures... It's inspiring.

On Friday, Saturday and Sunday of this weekend I have been singing as part of NEYC (North East Youth Chorale) and our conductor, John Forsyth, is an incredibly passionate and inspirational (slightly intimidating but altogether lovely) person and was talking about how people are so unaware of awesome choral music and the wonders of lost music. It really hit me because I absolutely love a choral piece that strikes a note in you and you just think "yes, this has blown me away". For me, I have a lot of moments when listening to a variety of songs that are like that and I'm sure that lots of people everywhere have that too. It's just right, right? Of course pop music is pop music and classical music is classical music, that's just how it is, but there are so many people who exclude them from their lives and that really upsets me. Pop music is not just for the "commoners" or children or teenagers who need something to dance to or quote lyrics from on Facebook and classical music is not just for stuffy old people and choir conductors. Music is universal and I do not know of a single person who would be able to envisage a life without it. Mainly because I surround myself with musical people who, like me, have a varied musical catalogue and enjoy sharing their opinions and tastes.

My day yesterday was actually great. I felt so comfortable and happy about everything. We, as a choir, sang at a wedding. Getting the bus to and from Middlesbrough was absolutely brilliant, singing all sorts! Primary school songs...hymns... the classic rendition of the Hallelujah chorus because we're all polished singers who know it incredibly well... and reach the bit where it goes crazy with lots of different rhythms and we forgot the really words and gave up. It was actually hilarious and I couldn't stop smiling! We then went back to our little rehearsal hall and practised from 3-6 and it totally wore me out. Phew.

This morning I listened back to Morrissey's interview with Dermot O'Leary on the BBC Radio 2 i-player and their interaction was actually brilliant. I love them both a huge amount. Dermot's extreme enthusiasm for old and new music is truly infectious, bringing me onto why I love the radio.

Those moments when a song comes on that you actually love, so you can just turn it up, shout out the words and do a little boogie. Or when a new song comes on and you just think "Wow!" and when presenters are just hilarious (Alan Carr and Melanie Sykes, Sarah Cox, Gregg James, Nick Grimshaw... Scott Mills) they make the links just quality. I love how many FM channels there are, how there are specific programmes and stations that play specific genres of music and then the mainstream ones have playlists but then they sometimes play whatever the hell they want. There's also the not so musical channels like Radio 4 that broadcast insanely interesting (sometimes) debates and comedy and all sorts, like Thought for the Day and other brilliant, BBC things.

This also comes about on the day when Spotify has changed its stupid rules so that you can now only listen to a song 5 times on its "free" settings... HOW INSANELY LAME. Seriously. Not happy. That's where I discover new music... and of course I feel guilty for not buying things...but WAAHH I'M LAMENTING THE LOSS OF MY BACK CATALOGUES OF THINGS.

So, with this sudden loss I've had to revert back to being a total radio whore again and hopping the channels for those golden moments of musicality. This is what my life has become.

In a way I'm really sad that I can't be so devoted to new or old but nonetheless vibrant and exciting music as I want to be... but I can always try and I probably always will.

Here's to enjoying music more.

Tatty bye,

Haze

All is well

I'm finally better.

I'm happy with everything in my life.

I'm thankful for everything that is going how I would like it to.

That and Merlin is on BBC i-Player from the beginning again.

I have two weeks to watch that/do all of my work set for the holidays...

I shall let you know about my week ahead when it has been, dearest blog, I may have exciting tales to recount here, you never know!

Tatty bye,

Haze

Well, how about that, ey?

I just switched on my old phone because I remembered it was there, and it is still full of texts and pictures and conversations from years gone by. Well, just last year and 3 years previous to that, but it's a big chunk of my developing years and it's full of stuff that I probably won't remember unless I look back at it every now and again. Anyway, I might use it for OBU this summer because it's all battered anyway and if I swap SIM cards it'll work fine.

I'm sorry if this has been short or boring or not as panda coffee as my other, past posts, but I don't have any hilarious stories to tell at the moment. I spend a lot of my time blogging little things on tumblr and as a result I rarely have things to talk about on here. I don't have a lot of "spare" time inbetween working and keeping in touch with people these days, and the portions of time I used to have to spend crafting and writing a stream-of-consciousness blog post are used to now do work and read more and learn about the little things.

I will not abandon this blog. When my life gets kick-started after my exams, I will be doing things like dyeing my hair and making videos and writing and reading and making clothes, all being well, and those things need to be documented, so hold tight!

Tatty bye,

Haze

Last post: 8th Jan

There are pictures I should have taken, songs I should be singing, writing I should be crafting, dresses I should be wearing, friends I should be talking to... and I need to start making good decisions again.

There are children riding their bikes up and down my road outside, and it's sunny and they are happy.

I don't know how to explain just how sad this makes me feel. In one way, I'm sad because I want to be out there, and I can't be. Well, I could be, but I'd just be taking another step towards failing my A-levels, one of the last of those steps being choosing to write a blog as a little break from writing numerous essays. Oh, that doesn't make sense because it's more typing, so more finger/brain work and not a break at all.

That's just how I roll. I either reward myself when I shouldn't, or work until I am completely worn out, dry and useless.

It's been a strange two months. I had a lot of time off school, and I'm still making up for that. I watched the entire season of Firefly and am reaching the point of utter heartbreak that it got stopped. I visited my friend Fran's church twice and had a great time at both events.

I found out that the reason I felt so awful (last post) was because I most likely had swine flu. JOY OF JOYS!!!!

I am feeling happy though. Despite being mainly disappointed and not really SAD about a lot of things (like the sunshine which is currently unavailable to me) I am writing words and stringing thoughts together. Yesterday, my Mum and I popped to T.K.Maxx to browse dresses for events in the near future which need purchasing, and I ended up getting a Shakespeare Red-Nose-Day shirt, a floral skirt, a cropped little lacy/floral vest thing and a Comic Relief tote bag, which I aim to use for school, my other school bags need washing out. My rucksack has a disturbing amount of clutter/dust/smushed chocolate raisins lurking in the bottom of it...

So, those clothes are making me feel like I can dress up better and feel ... better. I go through this phase really rather a lot. Buy something new, start using it, start to feel more confident, I can be this change, I can stick with this, I will be out-going and loveable.

I feel so awfully guilty for neglecting this outlet. It really is good for me, to babble on, and hearing the children outside enjoying the sunshine just made me think that I should at least try to let something out here, even if only Liz, Mum and a few other people may stumble upon this, after months of barren blog space.

I will take those pictures, I will sing those songs, change that noun phrase, wear that dress with that lipstick I found, talk to that person who is fascinating more often.

Tatty bye,

Haze

Actually terrified

I've never been more scared in my life, up until this point, right now.

I've been really ill these past few weeks, since my last blog actually, I haven't recovered. I've tried a lot of things, including pure rest, interspersed rest, Lord of the Rings, spaghetti hoops, banana custard, going back to school, not singing, singing, reading, fainting, chick flicks, owls, tumblr, avoiding poo-heads on facebook, Josh Groban, Il Divo, translating spanish lyrics, The Smiths... and it hasn't worked.

The last thing I've tried was this "Manuka" honey, which tastes like honey which has been spread on a primary school crash mat and then been scraped off, put into a jar, and the lobbed on a spoon and shoved in my mouth. Sounds tasty right?

But why am I scared?

I'm terrified that I'll push myself over the edge. I just want to do well so hard, so much, that it's beginning to really startle me. I'm always tired, always worn out, on the brink of a cold, catching something, feeling a tickle in my throat, singing about something, laughing with Rachel about things that other people don't understand...

To top it all off, I'm just worried that if I don't take this time off here to get better, here and now, I will never be better. I will always be ill. It will get worse. I'll never catch up on all of this work and my A-levels will crash and I won't have anything to aim towards.

So, as of next week, I'm logging out of facebook (deactivating) and logging out of *whispers* tumblr. I'm planning my nights so I can do all of this work, and an exercise routine because I feel like my immune system is screaming DO SOMETHING YOU LAZY IDIOT.

I'm going to dedicate myself to music, work, creativity and reading. I'm going to think more, dream less about stairs (oh my gosh, massive freak out, I am petrified of stairs), be nicer to people, and make better lists.

Also, I'm going to try my hardest not to shank the living daylights outta you, because I'm moving on, and that is the best thing in the world for me.

Ignorance isn't bliss, familiarity still enters contempt.

Catch you lot on the flipside when I'm better, ok?

In the meantime, I promise to try to stop worrying about being so lonely and devoid of stuff, I'm surrounded by utterly gorgeous and generous friends and family who have been very supportive. I do feel very safe, I'm just a massive worrier.

Tatty bye,

Haze