My outlook on life

I sometimes get the feeling that people see me as an outwardly happy person and that in itself makes me physically display happiness often.

The truth is, I'm not. This isn't a "wah wah" post, I promise, but I think it's very true to say that even the most "bubbly" and even ostentatious people you will meet in your life are not happy constantly. I am one of those people who does really look on the bright side of life though, however hard it may be. Of course I have times where I can wallow, argue, moan and bemoan over minute details and most definitely cry my sorry little heart out... but moments like that are fleeting for me.

Sometimes I find it hard to define what keeps me going. Like actually, what on earth keeps me awake, keeps me quite literally alive and doing. Biologically there are explanations, yes, but that's a little bit tedious and is the same for probably everyone I know. Yet there is something startling in how a mindset can transform how others perceive you and how you can in fact perceive yourself.

I'm a great believer in confidence and showing it, but in small doses. Like being 'brave' enough to raise your hand at school or step forward to help a friend, or even a stranger, who has fallen or needs directions. I don't believe that boisterous confidence will get you anywhere that will matter in the long run. Attention seeking confidence or "loudmouth" confidence as I sometimes call it is just that, loud and often unnecessary, like openly talking about how much you had to drink last weekend and how much it cost you or stealing someone's spotlight and disregarding other people's roles in a team effort. It often comes across as bragging and you certainly don't look any better when all is said and done. What if someone remembers you just for that? How might that impact your own self-made impression? You are who you are in every moment of your life, whether dark or exceedingly bright and every impression counts. I wholeheartedly agree that in this life you have to be confident, but I find the lines of bravery and confidence are incredibly blurred and it can be all too easy to stray away into the grey areas of these ideas. I sometimes think of myself as a brave person because I 'grin and bear' a lot of things. Yet I find myself wondering if these 'brave' things I have overcome or moved on from have made me confident or not.

In the past few months I have decided to take many positive steps in my life and to embrace new things rather than sit any worry away possibilities. I am trying to maintain contact with people who I might never see again because I've left school and Sixth Form, but there will inevitably be people who I will leave behind through no fault of mine or theirs, it will happen. I want to embrace friendships, relationships, food, exercise, outings, reading, writing, singing, playing, walking and many other activities in my lifetime, let alone just this summer.

One of the main sort of 'principles' I live my life by is "Go Out And Live Life To The Full". When I was in Year 9 we had a school mission and this was the title of the whole week, centred around praise and worship but mainly realising that we all should actually "go out and life life to the full" and it struck a definite chord within me. The postcard from that week is right next to my bed with a lovely logo and it's right in my eye-line when I wake up every morning. I have a purple, rubber wristband that I sometimes wear to remind me that I have a wonderful life and everything I need is ahead of me and it will be full.

I am happy with how I look. I may flick my fringe and complain about my flushing, flaking, flipping annoyingly scarred skin but it's mine and it makes me... me. I have a figure which I have recently decided to love, to embrace and to work. It won't last forever, just like me, but I have the time now to make an impact however small it may be, if a smile or a cheeky little dance can cheer someone else up then I want to be that person. I don't want to drag any one down, I only want to build people up. If you surround yourself with people who, for one, build you up, you can do great things by building them up. They will give you strength to be who you are and who you want to be. I aim to be that person who can be relied upon to be happy, to share a smile, to be a shoulder to cry on, to be organised (sometimes) and to be willing to share as much love as I can. I can't say I am not guilty of casting people out of my life because I have done that but I know that I have grown from the experiences that have hurt and I will continue to do so by moving on. I am kind to strangers I meet who I may never see again because I hope to have the slightest positive impact in their lives. We meet so many people, see so many faces and we may never see them again and so I strive to make those flashes interesting by not shying away from helping or being cheerful in the face of a challenge. I'm not a violent person and yes, I can engage in conversations which can joke around such subjects, but the idea of hitting someone with force and inflicting voluntary pain is not something which I can condone in my head and in my heart.

Your sadness will not last as long as your happiness can.

I was going to end this post with the prayer that was written by the school for the Mission but I'll leave you with just this line instead to make of it what you will:

"Inspire us to use our talents wisely... so that we may go out and live life to the full as you intended."

Tatty bye,

Haze